TIGHT FIT

 

My first girl friend

Was amply proportioned

Not fat,

Not even plump

Rounded

If she’d been a sofa

She’d have been well upholstered

So why on earth

When she had a size 16 arse

She insisted on wearing

Her sisters size 12 pants

Only God only knows

And he won’t split

Though I’m surprised the pants didn’t

Anyway I digress

The small knickers

Didn’t add to her desirability in any way

Nor detract from it in fairness

On the contrary

I think in more than one sense

It did make me want to get her pants off

Even more.

 

Now when it came to tights

She took the word literally

Now the tights may well have been

One size fits all

But the one size did not include her’s

On her legs they looked good

She had great legs

It was her hips that were the problem

In so much as getting her tights off

Now on most occasions this was not a problem to me

It was only when,

We wanted to

Not to put too fine a point on it

Partake of a spot of Rumpy

Getting her undressed then

Was no mean feat

Pulling her tight down

Was like pulling a porn star off your mother

Or that plastic wrapping off a frozen turkey

 

Her bra was no better

Being designed

To fit a 36 b

When she was actually a 38 d

Her breasts were squeezed out of shape

Like lumps of kneaded bread doe

And when you managed to unhook her bra

Which took both hands

And a knee in her back

They popped out like a pair of jack in the boxes

Or one would spring out like something

From a bizarre novelty cuckoo clock

Striking the hour

Or would lunge out

Like a deploying airbag

 

All her other clothes

Fitted her perfectly

It was only her underwear

That she got wrong

She was only sixteen then

Oh, happy days

Sweet sixteen

Sweet as candy

For unwrapping

And it was not an unpleasant experience

Unwrapping her

I spent three exhausting years

Laboring at the task

Made all the more pleasurable

As she had two sisters

For me to unwrap