I remember my very first girlfriend
Bernadette O’Flahety was her name
She was ever so slightly unattractive
But she was my girlfriend all the same
She was considered quite the looker
Where she was born in Blackheath
Despite the very large warty nose
With the ginger moustache beneath
She did have a face like a smashed crab
Or perhaps like a bag full of spanners
She had tufts of red hair under her arms
Like a pair of nesting ginger hamsters
They say that beauty is only skin deep
So she must have had hers on inside out
She’d a funny eye so that one looked
At you and the other seeked you out
She was best viewed in a dimmed light
Preferably from distance to be unkind
It was best not to see her naked form
But tackle her in the dark from behind
She had hairy legs and even hairy nipples
Her shape wasn’t curves so much as sags
She carried at least three spare tyres
And had breasts like roof tiler's nail bags
Bernadette's complexion resembled
Two-week-old cold lumpy porridge
She had Denis Healy bushy eyebrows
Accentuating the prominent ridge
She was older than me by a little bit
And she had been around the block
And it would be more than fair to say
She had too many miles on the clock
Bernadette was a bit of an old banger
You could say in more way than one
But on a those long cold dark nights
She was also a real bundle of fun
My brother said unkindly, the poor girl
Must have fallen from the ugly tree
And making matters worse she had hit
On the way down a branch or three
The excessive cellulite on her thighs
Made them look and feel like tripe
She had a number of boils and sores
And her skin was of the greasy type
And yes, it’s true that she did have a face
Like a well smacked arse, bless her
Or a bulldog chewing a wasp but then
I was no oil painting or Adonis either
And perhaps she was not what a mother
Would want to choose for her son
But Bernadette was quite acceptable
For a shy young man to practice on
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