A HAND FOR SANTA

 

On Christmas Eve

Don’t lay awake in bed

All you naughty girls

Blonde, brunette or red

For instead of presents

You may get a shock instead

You may catch Santa

Dressed in his suit of red

Emptying his sack

At the end of your bed

EMPTYING SANTA’S SACK

 

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high

A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky

He has lost his job and his wife has left him

And the size of his overdraft is quite grim

Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes 

Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes

He walks up to the edge ready to jump off

He stops when behind him he hears a cough

Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"

And the man tells him the details of his day

He again walks to the edge of the rooftop

Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"

“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you

And I will have a small task for you to do”

Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”

The poor man is in such despair so he agrees

"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said

Father Christmas told him what was ahead

Firstly go home to your wife who is there

Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear

Longing for you and begging forgiveness

She wants only you and your fond caress

And as for the recent loss of her affection

She will have absolutely no recollection

Secondly go into work after the holiday

Sit at your desk and work the same way

Your salary will have been well increased

Nobody remembers your employment ceased

Thirdly when you check your bank account

And you will be in credit by a large amount

The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"

Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"

“Drop your trousers and then bend down”

The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown

Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering

Leaving the poor man with eyes watering

Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”

The man replied “actually I’m forty two”

 “Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”

Said the fat gay bastard in the Santa outfit

THE HONEST SANTA FAIRY

 

A sorry old drunk is walking

Down the street one morning

Together with Santa Claus

The tooth fairy and of course

Honest John the Solicitor

When suddenly on their tour

At the very same moment

They spot on the pavement

Someone’s discarded wallet 

So who was it who got it?

The old drunk obviously

Because all of the other three

Only exist in mythology

A CHRISTMAS WISH

 

On a Christmas Eve at midnight

When I got into bed

I lay upon my pillow

And there beside my head

Was Santa with his trousers off

And this is what he said

Happy Christmas little girl

I’ve unwrapped this gift for you

So take this gift with pleasure

To make your wish come true

Because Santa comes but once a year

And tonight he comes with you

CHIMNEY NOOK

 

The next time you complain

At the lack of Christmas nookey

Spare a thought for old St Nick

And have a little sympathy

For he only comes but once a year

And then he’s up a chimney

FATHER AND CHRISTMAS

 

What do a Christmas tree

And a priest have in comparison?

The answer is simple to see

Their balls are just for decoration

BAD SANTA # 4

 

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve

And his special seasonal wish

Is for you to jingle his bells

So you get a White Christmas

BAD SANTA # 3

 

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve

So naughty girl when he comes into view

It won’t be candy cane in his pocket

He’ll be really pleased to see you!

ARE YOU WEARING BIG KNICKERS?

 

Are you wearing big knickers?

Those good old-fashioned drawers

That cover everything that matters

But are still the source of phwors

ARE YOU WEARING LACE?

 

Are you wearing lace?

To decorates that place

I can’t tell from your face

There is no hint or trace

I think black lace does grace

Your fine pert brace

Oh, my thoughts are base

And that image I can’t erase

Of the garments of lace

That cover and encase